i miss my dad.

this grieving is a strange thing. for the past three months, since my dad disappeared from our lives, i have been oddly calm. getting to sleep is still a challenge. dad and i talked in his afternoons, my late nights. we weren’t on the best terms when his cancer took over, so calling regularly required effort. but i got over it – even though some things should not be gotten over – and looked forward to our nightly conversations. we always talked, my dad and i. every day. morning. noon. evening. night. over all the years and wherever we might be. i haven’t decided how i feel about our relationship now that we’ve ‘broken up’ or even that i refer to us as a couple. but we were so very close. getting to sleep is difficult because, as my husband pointed out, i sit up near the phone doing whatever until i’m too tired to do it anymore. how could i have missed that i’ve been waiting for his call?

the last time we spoke, dad had just gotten paid and was on his way to pay his mobile bill. he was at the counter and dropped his phone and got flustered and told me he’d call me back later. [the first time he’d ended a call for years] two minutes later, dad collapsed and ‘could not be resucitated’. as far as deaths go, it was a good way to go. but i’m still waiting for him to call. and just today, i realized that no matter how long i sit here by the phone, he never will.

he really was wonderful. he made me eggs benedict on sunny mornings. he took the bee to the beach. we could do absolutely nothing all day and feel happy when the sun went down.

moving our virtual home

As if raising kids on three continents was not enough, last week I decided to move our virtual home as well. So, here we are on WordPress. I have yet to move old posts, figure out little details, and make my own changes… but the basics are in place.

over the weekend

highlights? so many! the bee’s singing recital on sunday afternoon, i worked both evenings, we all loved crock pot ribs with black eyed peas and turnips [i’m waiting for the perfect shot of the giant scotish turnips], and wee george just did his thing preferably near the bee and in the bunk beds.

the bright side

getting on with it

it is 220am and i am still awake because i can’t sleep because i ate ice cream when i shouldn’t have and now here we are. today was quite a day full of toddler frustration followed by numerous time outs in the corner. he’s so good at it now – the going to the corner part – and finds the nearest corner and sits down automatically now. one word does it.

and while sitting with him in one of many corners, i realized that every corner is disgusting. i wouldn’t sit there. our remodel project has taken on a life of its own and if i can get the boy to sit in the corner with just a word, why can’t i make this awful project end? here’s the situation:

no. 1. the bee sleeps in her old room, the one with a giant hole in the ceiling. heat goes up through the ceiling hole so her room is generally freezing. she has a big down comforter that does its job well, but still. enough.

no. 2. her room is strewn with the detritus of george’s past lives. i’ve tried several different ways of getting rid of it, and each time i think i have it contained. but it is clear that it must go.

no. 3. i need to work 6 hours a day for the next six months… well make that 8 hours for the next four months because we’ve already lost two full months waiting for someone to do something. my perfect job came up today. the kind that would pay me to do indian ocean research and teach once in a while for the next three years. and most of the waitingforajob academics i know are languishing. but unless someone pulls a serious cluster of thumbs out of their collective backsides, i won’t even be able to finish the application by the due date in three weeks. not to mention research and write 200+ pages by september.

no. 4. the old nasty carpet must go and be replaced by something light and nice to walk on. something kind to the toes. we’re running short of warm fuzzies over here near the north sea.

no. 5. i’m already sick of my list. but for endurance’s sake… the bathroom is also a wreck. water seeps through the floor boards and the man [not naming names] who thought it was a good idea to paint over white tiles, well, i love him and all but come on. i’m going to find a better storage solution because well, i only have three days and this is the best i can think of.

so there it is. my to do for tuesday, wednesday, and thursday. friday i’m loading up the kids in our spacious ford ka and driving to manchester for the funeral. we’d take the train, but 7 hours and 4 transfers with a toddler is enough to wear me out just thinking about it. and the bee doesn’t fare well on trains. double the trouble. i understand most think i’m crazy but i’m used to it by now and six hours is nothing compared to the great american road trip. at least wee george will be able to say ‘car’ and ‘ooh car car!’ to his heart’s delight.

and because auntie m, uncle brew, and the twins will start their great trek from seattle to new york on friday. okay, but they’re doing it with two cars and a uhaul. not even in the same class of road trips.

off and away!

[our touring vehicle]

boundin’

random lover of cowboy poetry that i am, baxter black is winning out over dr. seuss in the narrative that takes place in my mind.

Now in this world of ups and downs…
So nice to know there are Jackalopes around.

molly

we will miss you.

molly was the kind of wonderful that cleaned george’s house weekly for years. the kind of wonderful that accepted me and my kids even though i’m a ‘darky’ and much younger and sent my kids presents from the start and hugged us even though she was not a hugger. the kind of wonderful who loved and supported my husband for all the years before i could.

grandma morrice and green eggs and nutella and trauma drama

i’m going to begin with the least trying event of the week:

wee george now spends long periods of time sitting in the windowsill and saying ‘car! car!’. the car obsession extends to all the books we read, green eggs and ham has a ‘car’ in it, and all the dinosaurs who say goodnight have cars in their bedroom, and tractors and trains [train station across the street] are ‘car! ooh car!’. and this new found verbal confidence has inspired the wee man to explore other options in the house. after a long period of silence, we found him in the lazy susan [big george calls it a swingin’ suzy and i’ve gone with the ’round about’ because lazy susan takes so much effort to remember]. he walks in as if it were a door and hides in the back. today he hid with a jar of nutella. when we found him he was covered in chocolaty goodness and pleased with his accomplishments. only mom would appreciate his antics with tools in the still-not-finished attic.

on to the bee. yesterday i picked up the bee from school and again she was in tears. a mean girl told her to ‘go home’ and said all americans are fatties because we overindulge at fast food restaurants. and after a class discussion about syria and muslims, the other kids said muslims are dogs which made sweet bee cry because her sister is a muslim and we lived in syria for three years. trying to control my disgust and not confront the girl on the street, i calmed down and waited until after dinner. the bee and i went to the girl’s house, because i know where she lives because she’s been to our house and we walked her home because it was after dark because we are good. because even though i was upset about my daughter being tripped and called names and made fun of, better to go to the parent before filing a ‘bullying complaint’ with the school – right? right! no. the girl’s mother was furious and threw us off her front step! she called me and the bee liars! oh the outrage. and really, mom, i was not confrontational or subversive, even though i’m still itching to go back to the airport without my liquids in the ziplock baggie. so, i wrote a long email to the headmistress and agonized all day about the awful situation i’d just sent my daughter into. the bee comes home happy. the headmistress calls and tells me she talked to the girl, her mother, and the other ‘witnesses’. she assured me the other mom is a lovely person and offered to arrange a meeting. i graciously declined. and then she asked me to come talk to the school about muslims and islamic culture with pictures and all. [i emailed with the fancy new signature – which i can’t figure out how to limit so all of you get the full force of my dissertating glory] i’m not an easy woman to deal with and i’d really hate to have to deal with me. especially over my kids. especially the post-grandpa and very sensitive bee.

and finally the worst. as if losing dad wasn’t enough. big george’s mom passed away on sunday. she deserves much more than a post of her own but i can’t do much more. molly was wonderful. and to be selfish here on my blog, i’m sad because i finally got a mother-in-law i genuinely like and now she’s gone and all that i did for her was order a monthly delivery of fresh flowers and send thank you’s.

our shelf of ashes is too full.

wee george was cute covered in nutella and the bee feels loved because her mom stood by her.

old times

my laptop is dying. little things take longer than they should. certain keys just don’t press they way they used to. in the race to back everything up, i’ve been uploading old pictures onto our flickr account just in case the worst happens and i then i won’t have a record of our lives. the record i’ve kept in my computer. and probably not shared, because it never occurred to me that maybe some of you never saw our previous lives…

going through and adding comments has been difficult. not because of work or home life or any other pressure, but because life happens so fast and i didn’t realize – well i realized, but this process makes it all the more clear – that an important part of our lives is over. the mommy and me in the world life. i’m mom now. and newcommers have been added.

we have new adventures planned, but this was our first adventure. my sweet little girl who is the bravest, most courageous, most patient, most enduring young woman i’ll ever know.

so please take a look and remember with me. even if you weren’t there in person, but in spirit. even if we hadn’t yet met.

the bee is a young woman now. she’s getting restless and dreams of her life ahead. her life. her story. her adventure.

i love you bee.

walking sideways

sideways walking.  that’s what you get when you can’t figure out how to edit videos. y’all understand.